Its often said that when you deal with something difficult or overwhelming BUILD A BRIDGE!! the point is to cross over it to say that YAY I came out on the other side?? Right now & probably over the last few weeks I’ve found myself deeper in this dark hole that I stayed in for so long & couldn’t get myself out of… so you probably wondered where I got to…my little escapades that are supposedly meant to make people envious of the life I live…hmmm…theres always 2 sides to every coin…Its amazing though the trials that are given to make us what? more conscious of whats going on around us?? What if you just wanna say…F*** THIS..I GIVE UP?? Is that an option?? Of course not *shrugs* I know that we say it, I know we half heartedly mean it but to give up would to be like my friend who I lost when I was 12…walked out into town hall in sydney & there he was hanging in the middle of town…why?? because obviously he said those exact words & followed through on it…I, on the other hand am not so fortunate to want a quick fix, I am determined to find a light at the end of my tunnel.. Do you know what its like to lose a child? The stabbing pain to be parted with your unborn baby?? The love of a mother so excited to await her child’s arrival only to never get that day?? I have…What do you do when your so eager to start your new family & your busy with the finer side of life only to go to the bathroom & see a pool of blood surround you? How do you think it feels for a mother to know that her child has decided to give up on their journey & leave you?? That look that the doctor gives you when they look at you with those really intense eyes & you know the next thing out of their mouths will obviously not be along the lines of Congratulations, or Its a minor glitch, you know that they themselves are trying to find the most tactful way to relay the news….not that they havent done it 10000 times before me but because in the short time that Ive been sitting on that hospital bed he realises that I dont have a mother I can run home to, or a brother to sit by me & tell me its going to be alright, Im in foreign lands & even their touch on my skin gives me goosebumps because its all foreign to me & the words that are coming out of their mouths are a silent whisper with the impact of a plane that is experiencing strong turbulation & in a matter of seconds they stick an instrument up me & offer me counselling services…to them its another day, to me its another part of my untold journey that will bring me through yet another tragedy to add to the challenging deck of cards that this game of life keeps reverting to..Its all a gamble pretty much isn’t it?? I mean I can wait for a good hand but who says I’ll be capable of playing it out, or I play with the cards I have now & hopefully end up with something more significant than just a strategy of plain good luck…Im not saying I want it all?? I do want some of it…I deserve some of it thats for sure… Im not sure how it is Im meant to feel or how Im meant to express my emotions but one thing Im certain of is that everything happens for a reason, obviously our plans are not God’s plan…Sometimes I just cry out in my darkness! GOD TELL ME PLEASE SHOW ME WHAT YOUR PLAN IS…Pointless? Some would say it is, but when you’ve lived a life like mine, every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month in every year I know I should be grateful that Im alive…that although Ive been dealt a difficult hand eventually Im meant to ace something…I dont know what to say to my unborn child that I loved so much carrying other than….I hope you know that I loved you with every fibre of my body & every beat of my heart…Its amazing how an unborn life can for a moment invade you so fiercely that you know life is different…I would want you to know that despite the journey I know we both tried to no avail BUT things will get easier eventually…thats the sane part of me talking…the inner part of my soul would say how the heck am I meant to comprehend the pain that I feel, the missing sensations in my body that told me you were there? the silent hum of your presence in my being? I will never forget you nor will I ever stop loving you… They make a lot of cards, happy birthday…get well..congratulations…sympathy….but wheres the card that fits this moment?? What would it say?? How would you read it? Stupid shit like that runs through my head all the time…Im trying not to be angry but why should I not be?? Yet who do I blame?? Its these thoughts that are imprinted in my mind every other moment…. For now, I cant say much more than that…Its true that we can build bridges..we can burn bridges & start a new path…but this is one of the chapters in my life that will for a long time to come remain the unburnt bridge…
