The wound that never heals.

The first cut is the deepest. And the longest to heal, she remembers the first time it happened. It scarred her physically, emotionally, spiritually and psychologically. The memory is still so vivid and it makes her sick to her stomach. Her body weakens and her eyes fill with tears every time the memory arises. It becomes a re-occurring nightmare.

He would creep into her room and carry her to another. She is not aware mentally but physically. He would pull off her nighty and place them neatly beside her. She tries to keep her knees together but that would result in a fist to her gut. A few minutes and it was over, he dressed her and carried her back to bed. As his foot steps fade down the hall way she could no longer hold her tears. Crying til she fell asleep, just like every other night.

Ashamed to tell a soul left her to keep it a secret. Never has she felt safe in her own home alone as she knew the routine too well. Even with her younger sister in the room asleep he would creep into her bed holding her body down. Any little move she made he treated her like a punching bag. When it was over sometimes he would give her a kiss goodnight, sometimes he would just leave without dressing her. It is only in the morning that she would wake up half dressed.

She prays everyday and every night for her nightmare to stop. Even after fifteen years she never blamed god for her suffering. Until the night he went to work, she decided that she had had enough. She prayed for courage and did what she believed to be the most right thing to do.

Since she told her nightmare, things around the home changed. He knew what she had done; he was very angry and wanted to kill her. He beat her up in her room til she couldn’t stand. Her body was once again abused. When others asked why she was beaten, she was forced to make up a story. Nobody questioned his actions as he was feared. That same day her beloved grandmother passed away.

She put her problems aside as she was more hurt from the sad news. Realising she had nobody to turn to, her faith in god also died away.

There were only a few people in her life that she could turn to for help and all had either left her behind or refused to help. What was she left to do? She had done everything she could.

Being away from home was the best option she had and she took it. As she tries to rekindle her relationship with god, she is once again faced with her nightmare.

The first cut is the deepest, and the longest to heal. How deep is her scar, and will it ever heal?

0 thoughts on “The wound that never heals.

  1. dont let him win…or feel like he can control you or how u think or feel…or ur relationship with god…..

    what he did..unforgiveable…

    these are the times when u need god the most..he is the only one who can help you pull through the pain

    (and then u wonder why God let it happen to you… wasn’t was him)

    it will only heal if you let it

    dont let him win

    (sometimes we dont know..sometimes we’re just stupid and blind to it….tell somebody until you can find someone who listens..helps you PLEASE)

  2. what i wonder about is the family itself, when you step out of that room looking the way you do, no one was the least sus? your mom not know as well these behavior’s of him?

    it is a scar .. a wound, and it will color the way you look at other people (men in particular), it’ll breed distrust in you, fear not to mention damage to self esteem

    it is a cruel thang to be doing especially to one’s own blood.. i commend you for sharing it with us, for that alone took courage, and in some way, goes towards your journey towards healing… dont stop there, talk to others, even those who have or are still walkin the path you are :o)

    can it be different, will thangs ever be the same again, can you live again? aye, the questions pile on top of each other.. the answer lies with you, within you… claim yourself back, claim your life back.. take your power back…..

    they say that time heals all wounds, shrugs, well then i suppose it’s a waiting game with the thought of ‘it’s only a matter of time’ how much ‘time’ is the question.. such thangs cannot be rushed no matter how we try coz all thangs being equal, life, has a way of reconciling.. and maybe when that happens, it be my hope that not only will you be whole again, but to he who was merciless like so to you, will know what comes around…

    Loto tele

    Ia manuia



  3. I don’t even know what to say, except thank you…

    …for illustrating that it is possible to break the silence on sexual and physical abuse…

    …for reminding us that it happens, it’s devastating, and it cannot be ignored…

    …and for contributing to the social awareness and education that will eventually lead to a world wide culture of zero tolerance for anything of this nature…

    I pray that you’ll find some solace, if even just a little, in the fact that this story is making a difference in someone else’s life.

    Much love..

    xx HGG

  4. I’ve re-read this piece several times, in shock and disbelief, but no words of comfort to offer because I felt unqualified to say something, BUT…here, HGG said it.

    So, I say, “…I second what our sister, HGG, said…”

    Much love,

    xx John.

  5. The would that never heals…

    It is written in the bible…that faith without works is DEAD

    Most of the posts in here seem to imply that you hold strong and that God will pull you through. Though this is partly true, not only should you hold strong and have faith, but you must ACT, you must put him away in jail. He must be brought to justice.

  6. thanks for the advise, support, and reading along. Its much appreciated.

    This piece is a true story, but also an awareness. Whether ‘she’ knows what to do or how to deal with it…the journey is hers. This is just part of her healing process…the part thats the hardest. She may have already found a solution/plan..i dunno, it might be my next piece to write.
    Everyone of you have said nothing but the all are right 🙂
    so thanks again…your words mean so much and will be put to good use. I assure you all.
    Have a great one.

  7. Jay Foo… Firstly i just want to commend you on being brave enough to share this story…it’s so hard to even think about it sometimes and i still haven’t had the guts to really do anything about it – i tried that once…maybe one day i’ll be able to do it again (i’ll explain later)

    When i read your article i couldn’t stop the tears from falling to a point where I was sobbing uncontrollably, it took me back to my past and honestly I thought I had moved on and it no longer had a hold of me…but the truth is, i just kept it so deep inside so it rarely consumed my thoughts…but when it did happen i would be broken all over again…and again…and again.

    I think it’s good to talk about it because i haven’t really had anyone i could vent to and i know that it shouldn’t be done in here…but i figured it’s a good place to start, maybe it would build my confidence so i can finally let it go…you know?.
    I’m the only child of a single mum, we moved to Australia when i was 7 and although i was excited to be in a new place, meeting my extended family…i had no idea that by starting this new chapter of my life, it would also be the beginning of my ‘nightmares’.
    We moved in with my mum’s sister and her family, i was sooo happy to finally meet them and because i had no brother’s and sister’s…it was awesome living with kids my own age.
    I don’t know exactly when it started but it would’ve been about a couple of months after we moved to Aus. My aunt’s husband was babysitting us that night because my mum and aunt had gone out, that same night was when the whole nightmare began, a nightmare that went on for 6 years.
    That night, at the age of 7 was the first time i had ever seen a grown man’s genitals…he didn’t force us to have sex but we were forced to do other things. It sickens me because at that time, i knew it wasn’t right but then i didn’t do anything to stop it from happening…i said no a couple of times but i didn’t run, scream or fight him off…nothing like that. I’d like to think that maybe i was just too scared to do anything, but the truth is…i can’t remember that first time clearly and i guess that’s because i’ve been trying so hard to forget.
    I don’t know why i didn’t tell my mum when it first happened…i guess it registered in my mind that it would cause a lot of trouble ad plus, my cousin was also there with me, it happened to her too and she didn’t seem to mind. I can sit here and make up excuses for why i didn’t have the guts to speak up…but at the end of the day…your a kid…you shouldn’t have to even think about stuff like that.
    The thing is….i don’t think that was the worst of it all…the worst part was, when i was 13, somehow me and my cousin were talking about it and we both decided to tell our mum’s, because i was younger then her, the duty was left up to me. The minute i told my mum she went wild and instead of believing me straight away she kept on questioning why i was saying that and that it was not a nice thing to lie, i then told my mum that it also happened to **Mel** (my cousin) and to ask her if she didn’t believe me. We waited till my aunty came home with **Mel** and my mum told her about my so called ‘accusations’, my aunty asked **Mel** if any of it was true…she denied everything and went as far as calling me a liar. I got the meanest hiding from my aunty that day and my mum let it happen, I guess she thought I deserved it….?. To this day i’m not allowed to call my mum’s sister ‘aunty’, she kicked my mum and i out of her house (which is probably the best thing she could’ve done for me), and she hasn’t had anything to do with me since then. My mum and her have fixed their relationship since then and their close as sister’s can be but ever since i came out and spoke up about my ‘nightmares’, my mum’s side of the family look at me as if i’m the dirty little girl who has nothing better to do then try and break up a happy home and make up lies about an “honourable” man (ARE YOU FARRRKING SERIOUS???!!!). It disgusts me!!!
    I used to blame my cousin for not backing me up, but i’ve come to realise that maybe she was just as scared as i was, after all…the boogey man in our nightmares’ was her father. I just pray that somehow God brings conviction to him one day, maybe that is what it’ll take for me to get over it completely and just move on…it’s funny because when i see him today…none of it comes to mind, i don’t have any feelings towards him…not even hate. I can say though that it has affected the way i interpret men’s actions towards me even though it may be innocent. I also used to wish I could meet my dad but I’m not so sure right now…
    I’m really really really super glad you were brave enough to post up this ‘girls’ incident…it has helped me come out and finally talk about it too…i think the wound that will never heal for me was the point where I tried to reach out for help but instead of having the people who I depended on most protect me and defend my honour…He was turned into the victim of my so called “lies”.
    I’m not sure whether I ever want him brought to justice or whether I’ll ever try and confront him again…i guess that last time has really left it’s mark on me…i must say that I do feel a little better being able to speak it out and maybe I’m a coward for hiding behind a screen…but it’s a step forward…i’ll take it!.
    God will bring about great conviction…with Him as my foundation…i’ve already been healed…BELIEVE THAT!!!
    Thanks again JayFoo 

  8. On a good note…the day i told my mum was the last time the bastard ever touched me…so i guess a good thing came out of it…right???…

  9. Thanks so much for sharing TeineToa, i know it must have been difficult to read this expecially when it hits those awful memories..being so personal and being able to relate to it. I hope it brought some relief after you posted your response/story.

    While reading your response i felt sad but ‘comforted’ (if that made sense) to know someone who has been thru it and able to share it..yes i guess i gave it away on who ‘she’ is lol..dammit.
    I know exactly what you meant by reaching out for help but in the end it just backfired..well in your case you found some good out of it..i also know how your cousin may have felt when she refused to back you up..maybe she was scared of the consequences. So much is on the line with family ties / reputations / culture…things like this also haunt the mind of a victim..which suxx.And the fact that you got a beating for it..*shakes head* mann it breaks my heart hearing that family would actually do would make it harder to open it up again.

    Thank you again for sharing. bless ya and hope all goes well as you continue on with your life. and anytime you wanna talk / share etc about here for you.
    luv luv luv jc

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